Welcome to the Sports Page. Spanning the globe to bring you the funniest in athletically supported stories. From Albert to somewhere without vowels that begins with a Z, RPNN SPORTS is there.
Lockout To End on Saturday
In a move that players have called spiteful, the NFL owners association has decided that it will voluntarily end the Lockout effective midnight this Saturday, 21 May 2011.
While this brings relief to the minds of many, the players are claiming that this is a calculated, callous move, as the Rapture has been scheduled for this Saturday.
The Rapture is the biblical event predicted in eleven out of twenty modern bibles wherein all the good Christians of the Earth will be taken by God up to Heaven, while the remainder is stuck on Earth in eternal pain, eternal fire, eternal torment, eternal boredom, eternal nothingness, eternal potatoes for dinner without butter, eternal suffering, eternal potatoes for dinner with butter but without gravy, eternal Uwe Bol adaption’s of good movies or eternal pain, torment and suffering until you find your way into God’s good graces, all depending on which bible one reads.
The NFL players believes that while the Rapture may not affect all of them, it will affect enough that the Lockout will become a moot point.
Several team owners have stated that they see the Rapture prediction as nothing more than the ramblings of a religious nut, and have no impact or influence on any sporting decision, and that it is the players who are trying to use this as a cheap trick to strengthen their position in the court of public opinion.
And it is public opinion that is becoming increasingly vital as fans wait and grow impatient, a factor that could impact future profits for owners and future incomes for players.
All of which is moot if the Rapture happens as predicted by a guy who was wrong about this once before, and presuming his God is the right God.
Like any good businessmen the team owners are hedging their bets, just in case this, and the numerous other mocking actions around the world tempt fate enough for the Rapture to happen, something that would go down in history as the most embarrassing event ever.
Should the Rapture somehow happen the team owners association has decided (apparently reasoning they will not be involved in the transition to a better place) that the NFL will continue, using primarily the best Jewish players in the world, backed up by the handful of Muslims and the only known Atheist.
Sporting experts believe that this is unrealistic, as with all the betting, fixing, points shaving, juicing, cross-dressing, drugging, extramarital sex, premarital sex, alcoholism, showboating, closeted homosexuality, dog fighting and golden idol worshipping not a single sports person in the world will be taken on the Rapture, no matter how good their game is, leaving them in place for the season.
Previous Sports: Fable III.